A List of Everything I Tried In The Month I Turned 40
I freaked out. Then I turned 40, luckily.
My 40th birthday brought a lot of inner turmoil, and I tried to do a lot to fix that. Like most people, I generally aim to avoid discomfort. Lately this has meant avoiding social media and the news, which is all war and robots. But this month, there were a few other things I did. Maybe you’d like to know, so you can try them as you approach a milestone birthday:
Saw an astrologist. She said I have some lucky placements, a fear of entrapment and need for freedom, but that “alchemy comes from going toward the unfamiliar.” That being attached to someone leads to emotional growth, that the soul grows down. She recommended James Hillman’s The Soul’s Code. Hillman’s book—of course I bought it right away—reminds us, a mere three pages in, that “We dull our lives by the way we conceive them. We have stopped imagining them with any sort of romance, any fictional flair. So, this book also picks up the romantic theme, daring to envision biography in terms of very large ideas such as beauty, mystery, and myth.” ✨
Had my first facial in France. She injected “ozone” into my skin, which made my perioral dermatitis momentarily even worse, caused something like a chemical burn, and finally healed after a few weeks, with minimal overall improvement. I’m adding “increasingly sensitive face skin” to my list of weird things happening as I age.
Renewed my To Be Magnetic subscription because, even though I haven’t manifested any of my big life goals yet (yet! I’m close!), I did get addicted to falling asleep to the guided manifestations. (Brilliant solution for insomnia and sleeping alone.)
Dated someone for more than 6 weeks without sleeping together, per the advice of the To Be Magnetic course on “Unblocking Love.” And realized, in those weeks, that I didn’t think our connection was strong enough or that we wanted the same things. A raging success! A path rarely taken by me! Highly recommend!
Experienced my fourth cacao ceremony with Ally. Cried at the third one, for some not-empowering reasons; found answers at the fourth one.
Sent my “12-Day Second Date in Croatia” article to Ivan, the man it is about, and then listened over FaceTime as he told me it was not sexy enough, didn’t have enough sex in it, nor did I describe Croatia enough. Also, the feminism stuff is boring. The audience, according to him, just wants sex. 👀
Took a breathwork class with Abi, which was so powerful I cried! In a good way!
Hit BarreShape pilates classes hard, ate homemade veggie soup for all of autumn, laid off the alcohol, swallowed a ton of probiotics, and took my first dance-cardio class (okay, fine, first actual cardio activity) in many years. None of this fixed my skin problems, but hello, abs!
Had my teeth cleaned for the first time in France—and it only cost €35! (Actually this one wasn’t about turning 40, it was just on my to-do list.)
Saw two of my favorite writers read in Paris: Lauren Elkin at the American Library of Paris, and Ariana Reines at After 8 Books. Swoon.
Sobbed to my mom on the phone, in full break-down mode, that I will never have a family, a partner, or a home of my own.
Texted with my ex-boyfriend. (This was on the same day as, and directly connected to, #12.)
Created a profile on Feeld, which is like if FetLife met Hinge, and then deleted it after exactly one week because it was too overwhelming and sex-forward. But then I was like, “Why are these men asking me about sex right off the bat?” and my friend Rémi pointed out that the first thing I had written on my profile is that I love to “talk and write about sex.” Touché.
Reactivated my Hinge profile, met someone very nice and brilliant and artistic, hurt his feelings by being my brash, too-honest, overly controlling self, worried about why I’m like this.
Went to a see a therapist. Her advice after our first session? To do nothing. “I can see your brain is going vroom-vroom,” she said, in her charming German accent. She could tell that my efforts to strategically shape my life into something I think it’s not yet is the source of almost all of my frustration and fear.
Was invited to see a dance performance, “Danses pour une actrice,” choreographed by Jérôme Bel and performed by the 56-year-old actress Jolente De Keersmaeker, who sort of acted and narrated and, yes, danced her way through a series of dance-vignettes, including one performed almost entirely through facial expressions, and one where she described two videos of dances on YouTube to the audience while looking at her laptop (brilliant), and another where she walked to the corner of the stage, removed her clothing, and then danced an improvisation “in the style of Pina Bausch.” Then, still nude, she danced an improvisation to “Diamonds” by Rhianna. Lip-syncing “shine bright like a diamond,” hopping about, flailing her arms, fully naked, in front of a small audience at the Théâtre du Rond-Point—I’ve never seen anything like it. Absolutely one of my most favorite pieces of art I’ve ever experienced. You could see her emotions: joy, fear, release, abandon. She is an actress, after all. But, my god, I’ve never seen a middle-aged woman dance naked, much less joyfully, in front of a watching, silent crowd. It moved something in me. Gave me strength. We should all be disrobing and dancing. Why else are we here on earth if not for our own version of that?
Remembered what the astrologist said: emotional growth comes from going down, deeper, into the uncomfortable space. The places that scare us.
Bought a sexy, see-through knit dress for my birthday party, then returned it. And while I do sort of regret not taking the risque option (see: #16), I also know that our magic doesn’t come from our clothes, it comes from a reservoir inside us, and our commitment to loving ourselves, to falling in love with the world again every day, despite its difficulty, pain, and ugliness, despite the question marks, the horrible ways we are capable of treating each other. Our magic comes from deciding to romanticize our lives and our reasons for existing. From being a light, from shining positivity and light into the world and onto each other.
Threw my own 40th birthday party.
And on December 5th, I opened three birthday cards my mom had mailed to Paris (in case one or more didn’t make it!), the third of which was one of those 3D cards that folded out to reveal a festive, floral scene and the words “Shine Bright.” 💎
In the end, I guess all of what I tried worked, because I went from crying often to feeling surrounded by love, community, and care. I went from feeling something is missing to feeling gratitude for what I have. Courtney said I have “Big Yonic Energy” (B.Y.E.), and I think that’s the new vibe for the 40s, mine or yours, or any era, really—yonic, open, magnetic, warm, sucking everyone into your orbit, your home, the comfort of what you’ve created.
Hence the last thing I did—
Wrote a poem for my friends (the ones in Paris, yes, but also in New Orleans, New York, Seattle, San Luis Obispo, Los Angeles, San Diego, Chicago, and Richmond) and read it to them and got choked up. Thanks to my friend Jason Stoneking, you can watch below, or read it on my Instagram:
quite impressive!
I read this a while back, and it popped into my head while I was doing my skin routine (short version: pretty bad, persistent acne and blemishes). Have you found something that works for you?
So many weird body changes come with getting older! For my part, I now find myself at this or that doctor's office on the regular, whereas I would go maybe once every decade prior to turning 50. Ugh!
Amazing post of course! Happy New Year to you a few days in advance.